Peace

It seems the devil always had his hand in my life. Not that I am giving him credit. It seems he was always trying to destroy what God was trying to do in my young life. I am not just speaking as an adult, I speak of me, as a child. It was as if he was attempting to destroy my faith in Christ. This was consistent in my young impressionable mind. Detestable, unspeakable things happened to me. I am not even sure if I was really wanted when I was born. Satan really uses this against me in m adult life. Thoughts of worthlessness and uselessness often crowd my mind. I can't imagine what God would use this trauma for. I can tell you it has mostly made me paranoid and incapable to complete any given task. When I was a teen I would devour myself in drugs to lose myself. To be honest sometimes I want the pain to stop, or I want to feel something so deeply that I wonder if I would be better as an alcoholic. This slowly dissipates when I realize that my faith in God for me to over come this pain is deeper than a drug of some sort. I have recently discussed with my doctor about medications, because of past history we decided I should be on Meds. So, I am on meds, unfortunately, it helps you cope instead of taking away the pain. My daughter was listening to this song by Grits. It reminded me of my childhood. So here I am today feeling rather lethargic, it times like these I wish I could send my kids away . Perhaps I could sleep it off. I know God wants me to come to peace with my childhood. For years after the drugs I became pregnant and became the best teen parent I could be. I stayed busy. Then when mom died I could not forget by staying busy, so I slept. Then when I had to wake up and deal with life, I became numb... Yes numb. Now this is the worst feeling in the world, and that is not being able to feel anything no matter what you do. For the last few years I have been attempting to find help. Help, Peace seems so far away. I wish I was on of those people that were over comers. Now I could pretend to overcome, but still feel the pain inside. I have thought of many ways to use this stuff from my past. But I don't have enough energy, time, or stamina to do so. Perhaps one day I'll write a book. Perhaps one day, I can truly express what I feel inside. Peace...........


Dear Father, I am having a difficult day. Please help me to come to terms with the past. In Jesus name amen.