God Prevails

How can I be so Faithless, When God is so faithful. What is wrong with me? Over the past 24hours Jesus has prevailed. My faith still is not what it should be. But there is hope because Christ showed me he cared... even when I am not worth the help. I'll explain, yesterday after writing the blog I accidentally found a blog that, lead me to another blog, that lead me to another blog, all that answered and gave me peace for the questions I had. Then I was able to talk to my husband about my problem. He gave good wisdom. Then I was able to go to Christ with my problem. After that I felt very empty and was upset, even after apologizes for having this issue. I did not have that feeling of relief, I still have questions. But God sent a wonderful woman of God to visit me. I do not often get visitors, try almost never. But God sent her, for me. I have many times been ridiculed by the Christian community. Therefore, I was reluctant to tell her my feelings... my faithlessness... my shame. After a while I had enough nerve to talk to her. She did not judge me nor did she shame me... but she lifted Jesus up and prayed for me. She did not have answers for my questions, but she told me she too have felt this way at one time. I thank Jesus Christ, for this gift of discipleship today. This is the true meaning of discipleship. This may not seem much to you or the average person, but to me this was a gift only God knew to give me. There have many times I have felt the way I felt today and yearned for fellowship, but knew of no one to fellowship with. For years I went to church and met no one. No one was interested in us. Mostly to discriminate against us. Over the past 2years God has given me 3Christain friends, when I had none before. Now many years ago when I partied I had plenty of friends but when I gave my life to Christ and was eager to tell the world about Him, they soon left my friendship. I wish I had that much zeal now.
Many years ago, I had plenty of zest and zeal for God and life. Now I feel burdened. This is why, It was a list of many events that happened over a 5 year period of time. In 1994 both of my grandparents died and left us a large amount of money... oh I mean my sisters and my mom, for some odd reason I was left out. When I say large I mean large enough for them to have new houses and cars and clothes and anything else they wanted. I was the youngest, at 19, no one stood up for me, and I was too scared to stand up for myself. Then, they bought me a shack worth pennies compared to what they got. Then My husband had an affair for three years he attempted to have me and her. Then in 1996 my mom became sick, she had six months to live. She was somewhat abusive before, but then when she became sick it was torture. By the way I was the only one she was mean to. She often told me I wasn't worth what it took to raise me. But my sister were? They wouldn't allow her to be alone with their children. Or this one is great, I'll quote this one "All of my problems are your fault!" "When your were 4 and demanded to hold my hand while on your bike, it was your fault I broke my arm!!!!" This one is good too, "How can you be so stupid, stuttering when reading God's word" And when she spoke to me it was like venom from a snake seeping into my pours. I love my mom, I even miss her, but her words are like poison to my heart, that still ring in my mind today. Then she died. After her death I found out she attempted 3 times to write me out of the will. Let me say other than screwing up as a child a teen, I was a decent person. No drugs, no alcohol. I had a Kid as a teen and raise this child on my on. After this I got far away from God, I wanted nothing to do with Him. I met a man whom seemed decent. I honestly remember thinking I had better make it work with this loser, because I will not find anyone else to love me. This man was a convict and a sober drug addict. We lived together for a year he bounced on and off drugs, then I became pregnant. He sobered up swearing off drugs forever...ha, ha. We got married had my son , then he became abusive. There wasn't a day that did not go by that I wasn't told what loser I was. He told me that if I left he would kill me. One day it was winter time, he blew all our money on drugs and I only had a small amount of money for kerosene and diapers... $12. He did not allow me to work. Apparently he could not find work. His niece (age 12) came over and the money on my dresser went missing. I confronted her looked in her pockets and she had the money. I went to confront her parents, thinking that they were going to discipline her. Instead, I was called a liar and they entire family jumped me... 6 of them. Then That was my fault too, I called my sister and told her what happened she had me come stay with her. I soon after came to the conclusion that I could not live with out God. SO I returned to Him. I never went back to The addict. Later I lost my house. But God again prevailed He gave me a new house a new husband (Godly husband), a new life. With all this I can't get over this part of my life. I can't forget how people have treated me. Spoken to me. Lied to me. They stole something from me. It's as though someone broke into my heart and stole parts of it. They took something that is irreplaceable with insurance. When I used to trust I was taught to run. When I used to love I was taught animosity. How do I gain this back?

Prayer

Father, Please show me How to gain back what was stolen from me. Return My joy, my Zest, my zeal to me again. In Jesus Name Amen