My Faith

I seem to be questioning my faith. My belief in God.My life. Well let me rephrase that. I do believe in God, and I do believe in Jesus Christ. But everything just doesn't seem real to me anymore. I have questions like... Why do I believe? Why have I believed for so long? I know God exist, but does He really care for me. I believe that Jesus Christ is on the right hand of God, but who am I really to Him in heaven. Do I really have a chance to get to heaven? If my beliefs have been skewed, as I believe they have been from my childhood, then what is real and what is fake. What have I believed for so long that is not real? When I was a child my mother was involved in several religious churches that were cultish. I always knew they were as an adult, I kind of made fun of these places. Then my husband place the question upon me... What of that stuff have you carried, innocently, over to what you believe now? My answer I don't know. This simple question has really had me all bound up for months. I started thinking about it. What if everything I thought was right was really wrong, and God saw it differently. I don't believe in accidents I know that this question was a question is one that I should be asking GOD. This is a question I should be asking Jesus. I just can't seem to bring myself to HIM and ask him these questions. It's as though all of a sudden I am not sure of my place in His kingdom. I even find it difficult speaking His name. What if I had it all wrong this entire time? I am a devoted Christian... or so I thought. Basically this is it, My philosophy on the basic belief in Jesus in the world. Too many Churches, religions, and Christians, believe that when you believe in Jesus you will be automatically made... rich, well, healthy, etc. This is not what his word says at all. He does promise these things in heaven. Not to say that he doesn't give these things on earth. I know I have this right according to Gods word. But at the same time He says He will give of Joy, patience to endure until he comes again. Why am I so joyless all the time? this is not making sense anymore I think I need to think some more on the subject. Maybe gather enough nerve to approach Christ and ask for a reminder of why I gave my life to him. Why I began to follow Him in the first place. Was it because what he did for me supernatural things in this life? Or. Was it because he Died and rose again for my sins? What are sins? What did Jesus really do for me on that day? Did he really think of me then? If I went to Christ because of material things then I am worthless and unworthy of his love. May I never really understood the magnification of what he did at calvary. I have been taught even as a child to say and believe the calvary story. But I am not sure if I held in my heart. God has done many things for me... but none of these are as important as calvary...right?
Prayer
Father, I am very confused about where I fit in you r glory. I am confused about why you came here. If you could remind me and show me what it really means when you died on calvary. Thank You In Jesus Name Amen