Miracles

God answers prayers. Sometimes even when unexpected he answers prayers. My husbands sister and husband came to church with us today. It was unexpected and they asked us not us asking them. This is fantastic! You have to understand they were so against God. From my understanding they were Celtic Pagans. There is more. I have seen witchcraft books around their house and everything. They were like so totally against us. Recently the family has had some trials and they are asking questions I guess. About 2years ago my husband and I lifted them up in prayer. I pray they give their hearts to Christ. I don't think they understand what we stand for exactly. They are very "spiritual". Soon God will allow things to fall into place to bring them to Jesus. Thank you Lord

Dear Father,
Please continue to work on my in laws. I pray they give their life to you. In Jesus name Amen.

It's been busy. My husband and I went for coffee on Friday. It was nice. My Dad watched the children for an hour. This guy was playing in the coffee shop. He was really crazy looking. He was around 50 or so and had hair all the way down his back, His hair was white and frizzy. The man was very skinny with a jovel attitude. He reminded me of a Flower child from the 60's I was waiting for him to at any time to go ... Yo dude. Now that I think about it I think he did do so. To top it off he had a fan in front of him that made his hair fly around. He sung some really mellow songs from the 70's. He was fun. My husband and I often do not get a moment of time together. Yesterday on a whim I got my hair cut. She did a terrible job. I said I didn't want to look like a mushroom and I left looking like a mushroom. I had to go to a different stylist and have them fix my hair and spend more money. The second stylist did a very good job. When I came home with the first cut my husband did not like it at all. He told me I looked like the mushroom from Mario. Ha, Ha. I didn't find it funny. My husband's car broke down. We are getting it fixed. So we have to share a car this week. When your not used to sharing a car it is quite frustrating.

Dear Father, Help me this week. Give me Guidance and patience. Help me to be the best mom, wife, teacher, I can possible be. In Jesus name Amen.

Peace

It seems the devil always had his hand in my life. Not that I am giving him credit. It seems he was always trying to destroy what God was trying to do in my young life. I am not just speaking as an adult, I speak of me, as a child. It was as if he was attempting to destroy my faith in Christ. This was consistent in my young impressionable mind. Detestable, unspeakable things happened to me. I am not even sure if I was really wanted when I was born. Satan really uses this against me in m adult life. Thoughts of worthlessness and uselessness often crowd my mind. I can't imagine what God would use this trauma for. I can tell you it has mostly made me paranoid and incapable to complete any given task. When I was a teen I would devour myself in drugs to lose myself. To be honest sometimes I want the pain to stop, or I want to feel something so deeply that I wonder if I would be better as an alcoholic. This slowly dissipates when I realize that my faith in God for me to over come this pain is deeper than a drug of some sort. I have recently discussed with my doctor about medications, because of past history we decided I should be on Meds. So, I am on meds, unfortunately, it helps you cope instead of taking away the pain. My daughter was listening to this song by Grits. It reminded me of my childhood. So here I am today feeling rather lethargic, it times like these I wish I could send my kids away . Perhaps I could sleep it off. I know God wants me to come to peace with my childhood. For years after the drugs I became pregnant and became the best teen parent I could be. I stayed busy. Then when mom died I could not forget by staying busy, so I slept. Then when I had to wake up and deal with life, I became numb... Yes numb. Now this is the worst feeling in the world, and that is not being able to feel anything no matter what you do. For the last few years I have been attempting to find help. Help, Peace seems so far away. I wish I was on of those people that were over comers. Now I could pretend to overcome, but still feel the pain inside. I have thought of many ways to use this stuff from my past. But I don't have enough energy, time, or stamina to do so. Perhaps one day I'll write a book. Perhaps one day, I can truly express what I feel inside. Peace...........


Dear Father, I am having a difficult day. Please help me to come to terms with the past. In Jesus name amen.

Dreams

How did my dreams of life turn into wanting a clean house? Silly Huh... There was a time I loved to Dream. I was, how do you say...a dreamer. I would dream of my future life, my future home. I would dream of the car I would drive. One thing I wanted most was a Farm a working farm, with a pond. I wanted my children to be raised in the country and to learn how to take care of animals. This is really funny because I have only touched a horse once, a cow once, and never have touched a pig or chicken. To add to the embarrassment everything I attempt to grow dies, my green thumb is rather brown, ha,ha,ha. And to be honest I am rather frightened of those big ol animals. But this was my dream. Another dream I often had was to be one of the first people to live in outer space when they made the first space habitat. I would not want to do that now. I would like to have dreams now, instead I have nothing. All I can think about is what needs to be done in the house or how clean I can make it or how more efficient it can be. rather silly I think. But I can 't stop it's like an obsession. It is never like I want it... Never. But I want to dream, dreams. Dreams of my children, Dreams of our future, Dreams of meeting Jesus. You know I did have this vision once. I was driving in my car and the song "I can only Imagine" came on the radio. It was like I could see to drive but I had this transparent dream. This wasn't the first time. This is what I saw. I was in Heaven standing in line waiting for my judgment. All I could think about was seeing God. Meeting Jesus. And Jesus Spoke to me and said you have been true and faithful. With tearful eyes I started dancing for Him it was beautiful and angelic. After that vision, may be 2weeks later. I could not get it out of my mind. I kept hearing that song everywhere, and seeing this dance, and everytime my emotions were overwhelming. So I decided to attempt to dance this dance I saw. This is the closest I have gotten to heaven. God's presence was so strong, and sweet. Jesus loves me. I am part of his plan. Let me put it this way. Do you know that feeling you get when your in love, or you have your first baby, or your living high on life... Well being in God's presence is 100 times better than any of those things. His love falls upon you and you just can't help falling to your knees and worshiping Him. Dreams.......................................

Dear father
I haven't had dreams in a long while. Dreams of the heart, dream that you put in my heart. Lord give me dreams, in Jesus name amen

Not much Time

I should go to sleep. I haven't had much sleep. My husband is trying to get me to go to bed. I want to stay awake. I am Like a child that thinks a party's going to happen after the lights are out. I should go to bed. Perhaps I will.

Just one thought.

Why will Christians not help Christians as God intended? Today I was told by another Christian lady that another lady I used to go to the prisons with had her baby 5weeks early. Apparently the baby isn't doing so good. They have her on machines to help her breathe. I made the comment, do you think her family is helping them. And she said, I don't know I don't really know her that well. Should we not help each other out. What if this lady doesn't have family shouldn't the Christian Community become her family. This is a broken link I think God intended for us to have. Jesus came to earth lived among us, taught us, loved us. Shouldn't we do the same for others. Even strangers.

Nighty Night
Sweet Dreams
Don't let the Bed Bugs Bite.

Father,
Please teach me to be more like you. In Jesus Name Amen .

My Husbands Job

today I have 2 blogs today, but I have a worry I want to express. I believe that someone is attempting to have my husband fired. For several months now I have had a suspicion that someone was trying to fire him. My husband works very hard, I am not sure why they give him grief. I truly believe that it is because he is a white male. There is a lot of discrimination in the south of black and females against white males, especially in the business world. I have heard this from other white people that have been held back because of their color. I am not prejudice at all not in the least bit. Most of my husbands company is black and there is a lot of hostility there. This is a respectable company. I think someone is trying to have him fired. He was promoted Last January to a different position in a different department. Before he was promoted he was the best in his department. SO well that he had gotten large raises and set up several data bases that helped the entire company. He had done so well that both departments had a bidding war attempting to keep him in their department. Now that he is in this new position, no one speaks to him, he has been given little work and when he request more they become snide. He noticed some inefficiencies in the department so he requested to his manager if he could make a spread sheet to help other in the department. Everyone rebutted him when he did this, then his manager didn't have his back so to speak. Furthermore when he began no one trained him he had never done this before. He tells me he is not even sure what his position entails. Now he is in this department bored out of his mind pulling work from the system. Most of the day he is searching for work to do to stay busy. Now one of his co-workers has told his manager that he does nothing all day. Perhaps this is why he did not get the Dallas promotion. Sometimes I think it is because he is a white male living in America, others I think it is because he is such a strong Christian. He really is. I don't think anyone should be held back because of color or religion. I believe he is purposefully being held back. Why should I be punished for things that the fore fathers of this country did? We have a lot of this ... so do you have a religion some one will ask and I'll say I believe in Jesus, and their eyes will widened...oh your one of those. In the beginning when he began with this company he had this problem. God overcame He turned a bad problem into a good problem. And everyone that would do something against my husband, Jesus would show his glory... every single time. The difference between that and now is my husband doesn't believe that Christ will do it again. Mainly because of me, my depression, my pain, my hurt. My husband sees me ask God to heal me and He doesn't for whatever reason. I am always asking God to make my heart joyful. It was not my intention to harden my husband's heart, he is my best friend, should I not confide in my friend. Enough about me, my husband needs guidance.

Dear Father,
Please give my husband strength and wisdom in his current position with his company. Please keep his job safe, and where someone gives him grief you give him faith, and give them a heart that loves my husband. Have everyone in his department find my husband likable. Give him leadership and work that is not boring. Help him to find goodness of you in everything that he does. And lord forgive me for hardening my husbands heart. Where I have hurt and cause deafness, fix it a hundred fold. In Jesus Name Amen

Thoughts on Homeschooling

I haven't much time. It is 9am and I have just woke up. The children are still sleeping, except for my early bird, he wakes at the break of dawn. Personally I enjoy getting up earlier. I like waking up before the rest of the house wakes up when its still dark outside. However with a new baby and lack of sleep this doesn't happen. To be honest I haven't had a time of peace like this since before I was pregnant. You know I home school. God has given me the great privilege to teach our children at home. This is a great privilege. My children deserve the best. It was quite amusing how we came to this decision to home school. A year ago I would have laughed heartily, and deeply, if you told me I would have been homeschooling my children. Well, what God has in store you just don't know sometimes. We started going to this church the one we belong to now and three family's home schooled their children. These were average looking children. Most of the time when you see a home school family (at least when I was a child) they were a little off. You know the kind. Children dressed as is they lived in the early 1900's. They were so obedient it was as if they were aliens. And the parents glared at you as if they had ultimate control and were really from the pits of well you know. The families from my church were not like this. At first my son started having problems in class. He doesn't learn the same as other children and he had to go to LD classes. They were pulling him out 4 to 5 times a day. Then they would send him work from his regular class that he was hardly ever in. He is not less intelligence than other children. He just can't keep his mind focused long enough. So in January with the prompting of God and the grace of Jesus we decided to home school. My teenage soon having problems at school. She wanted to be brought home too. SO school starts soon. We will begin September 10, so late because of the new baby.

I often wonder why God wanted me to home school my children. I just don't feel so qualified for the task. however with the downfall of American schools I would much rather have them home.

Dear Father

please give me whatever it may be that I need to teach these children. Things such as a sound mind, a peaceful heart, kindness, intelligence, love, patience, stamina, energy, and a keen ear to hear your voice. 'In Jesus name amen.

The Promotion...Kidding

Recently, my husband's company sent out an email asking if anyone was willing to transfer to Dallas, Texas. This was a little ironic, mainly because he was just thinking how he would like to live there to help this one guy expose certain TV preachers. He just said this in a joking manner, then the offer form Dallas. My husband and I prayed about this and decided that would very much like to move to TX and that this would be a great opportunity for us. Everything seemed to be pointing this way. It was as if God was sending us signs for this Big move across the United States. I am not kidding. This may seem lame to you but ... Every company we ordered from was in Texas. We home school our children and by accident when I was searching for books online. I found this bookstore, and guess where it was located. It was located town outside of Dallas that we had looked at a house in. My husbands Manager stated she would support him 100%, if he wanted to go. My husbands company pays for everything to be transfered, a small raise would have been included. He's working on his masters in accounting, and this would be a great career move. He would have been promoted to a trainer. Well, we're thinking that we are going to be able to go. Everything seemed to be falling into place. My husband is very intense, he checks out everything, I mean everything. Well, apparently he had all these papers on the city and the surrounding area. Like what are the best parks and is this place family friendly, what is the best area... etc. Then on Friday My husbands manager after my husband was asking about the transfer said, "We decided last week not to send you to Texas." Wait a minute... didn't she say she would support a move there. She was one of the people choosing people, and Couldn't she have told us last week. My husband is very upset. He set dreams for us in place. I too am disappointed. My husband told me he threw away the papers he had made. For the last 24hrs he has been rather bitter. I keep telling him things he has told me lately about my faith. Like did you say that Paul said to rejoice in the pain God gives you. I can't blame him for being upset. The neighborhood we are in now is not desirable, and with 4children and my husband income it is impossible to move to a different home here. We have a beautiful home and it is quite large. Other homes we have looked at in this area are much smaller for the price, and the neighborhoods are not much better. In, Texas especially with the moving incentive, we could afford a home in a better place. The houses are very large there from what we have been looking at. Our house here is this large because it was built in 1900's. Our neighbors just moved from Michigan and they say they had the same problem here...expensive little houses. We have a family of 6 and really need a four bedroom home. Our children can't ride their bikes because we live on a busy street. No other children live around here. For a long time we have been dreaming of a neighborhood, with children and non-busy streets. A home that I could have dinner parties at. Perhaps on a cu-ti-sac, with a park. It really doesn't have to be that extravagant, just nice enough and large enough. When people come to our home here, they look at the neighborhood and our old but clean home and they are very scared it seems. They will not even sit on our used furniture. From that point on we are considered... you know... trash. We are educated people, my family was educated, this house was a gift from God it really was. So, I don't invite people over. The shack my family bought for me years ago. That I lost. I didn't invite people there either. It's as though people see that house here. In Texas we could have started over. Another thing that happens here, is that when people meet my 16 year old daughter, they distance themselves from us. Let me put it this way. We go to a church the first couple of weeks they do not meet her, because she is with her dad. The church welcomes us. Then she comes to church with us, they say "oh this must be your sister." No I say this is my daughter. They immediately snub us. Then their children it seems are kept away from her. Sad really. I am thankful that she doesn't feel their ignorance. So we leave that church. Two years ago God finally gave us a church home. They did not make judgments about us. Six months after attending, my daughter had some issues we went to a associate pastor for advice and prayer. It was as if immediately the kids her age quit talking to her. She has since then really grown with Jesus Christ, but she is still not in the clique'. In, Texas no one would know her problems. A new life a new beginning. I believe that God can still send us there. I believe that if we are meant to stay here then we are not finished here...

What is Guile and bitterness?

My Husband came to me and said "To have true Joy in Christ you have to have no guile." I am like, What do you mean hun? He said, "think about it, think of the people you know that are truly joyful in the Lord." I have been pondering on this for a couple of days. People with no guile, who eyes are truly pure with Christ love. The missionary in Thailand... He truly had the joy and love that Christ meant for us to have. To be guileless what do we have to do to be come guileless. I spoke to My friend about this she is too guileless and she said it was by the fruit of the spirit. I have pondered on this as well. I pose this question. Can you have pure joy from the Spirit that produces fruit, if you have guile in your heart? The answer is no. What is guile? you may ask well Websters dictionary says Guile means 1 : deceitful cunning and according to God's word KJV
Psa 34:13 Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.
Psa 32:2 Blessed [is] the man unto whom the LORD imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit [there is] no guile.

So what does this mean exactly. How do you remove guile from your heart? Personally, I am aware I am not guileless. I think that Bitterness leads to having Guile. I am bitter. How do I remove bitterness?

Bitterness is a terrible disease. Yes I said disease. Think of a beautiful garden, with all these beautiful and nice smelling flowers. Well at first the garden is well taken care of and it's beautiful and bright. Everyone likes the garden and it seems that nothing can hurt or ruin the garden. Then someone comes along and walks through the garden not to watch for the flowers. Some of the garden dies due to carelessness. It no longer is strong enough to watch out for the roots. The the care taker sprays the wrong kind of bug killer on it, it weakens it more. Then a root begins in the very bottom of the soil. For dramatic reasons will say its dark and black waiting to choke out the goodness from the flowers. Like a cancer or black mold. Well at first no one can see the root no one can see the spreading of the cancer among the Flowers. It just creeps up. Then one day out of no where the cancer has killed all the beauty from the flowers. Have you ever seen a pretty weed. Well this weed on the outside seems harmless, but it really is choking the insides of the flowers. This is Bitterness. This is where guile comes from. God sent Jesus to earth after we have given our hearts to him, to heal the cancer that causes us so much pain. I have met people that have this joy that comes from being guileless. The only way to remove a weed really is to remove the seed. The bible speaks of people that God put the spirit of bitterness upon to complete certain task. So with that in mind... I think that my guile comes from my heart. I am just unsure how to remove the bitterness the weed not just the weed but is seed from my heart. People say to me think of the future the present not the past. But it seems uncontrollable, I can't seem to forget. I can pretend to. Like the pretty weed I can even put a smile on my face. The words and there actions are forever etched in my heart. The answer is in Jesus, only He can remove this seed of deceit and guile. Only Jesus can give this freedom, sometimes we have to learn lessons, or even be willing to give up what we hold on so tightly too.

Prayer
Dear Father, I know I am not perfect but I know I want you to remove the weed seed from my heart. So I can become Guileless and become fruitful for your kingdom. In Jesus Name Amen

God Prevails

How can I be so Faithless, When God is so faithful. What is wrong with me? Over the past 24hours Jesus has prevailed. My faith still is not what it should be. But there is hope because Christ showed me he cared... even when I am not worth the help. I'll explain, yesterday after writing the blog I accidentally found a blog that, lead me to another blog, that lead me to another blog, all that answered and gave me peace for the questions I had. Then I was able to talk to my husband about my problem. He gave good wisdom. Then I was able to go to Christ with my problem. After that I felt very empty and was upset, even after apologizes for having this issue. I did not have that feeling of relief, I still have questions. But God sent a wonderful woman of God to visit me. I do not often get visitors, try almost never. But God sent her, for me. I have many times been ridiculed by the Christian community. Therefore, I was reluctant to tell her my feelings... my faithlessness... my shame. After a while I had enough nerve to talk to her. She did not judge me nor did she shame me... but she lifted Jesus up and prayed for me. She did not have answers for my questions, but she told me she too have felt this way at one time. I thank Jesus Christ, for this gift of discipleship today. This is the true meaning of discipleship. This may not seem much to you or the average person, but to me this was a gift only God knew to give me. There have many times I have felt the way I felt today and yearned for fellowship, but knew of no one to fellowship with. For years I went to church and met no one. No one was interested in us. Mostly to discriminate against us. Over the past 2years God has given me 3Christain friends, when I had none before. Now many years ago when I partied I had plenty of friends but when I gave my life to Christ and was eager to tell the world about Him, they soon left my friendship. I wish I had that much zeal now.
Many years ago, I had plenty of zest and zeal for God and life. Now I feel burdened. This is why, It was a list of many events that happened over a 5 year period of time. In 1994 both of my grandparents died and left us a large amount of money... oh I mean my sisters and my mom, for some odd reason I was left out. When I say large I mean large enough for them to have new houses and cars and clothes and anything else they wanted. I was the youngest, at 19, no one stood up for me, and I was too scared to stand up for myself. Then, they bought me a shack worth pennies compared to what they got. Then My husband had an affair for three years he attempted to have me and her. Then in 1996 my mom became sick, she had six months to live. She was somewhat abusive before, but then when she became sick it was torture. By the way I was the only one she was mean to. She often told me I wasn't worth what it took to raise me. But my sister were? They wouldn't allow her to be alone with their children. Or this one is great, I'll quote this one "All of my problems are your fault!" "When your were 4 and demanded to hold my hand while on your bike, it was your fault I broke my arm!!!!" This one is good too, "How can you be so stupid, stuttering when reading God's word" And when she spoke to me it was like venom from a snake seeping into my pours. I love my mom, I even miss her, but her words are like poison to my heart, that still ring in my mind today. Then she died. After her death I found out she attempted 3 times to write me out of the will. Let me say other than screwing up as a child a teen, I was a decent person. No drugs, no alcohol. I had a Kid as a teen and raise this child on my on. After this I got far away from God, I wanted nothing to do with Him. I met a man whom seemed decent. I honestly remember thinking I had better make it work with this loser, because I will not find anyone else to love me. This man was a convict and a sober drug addict. We lived together for a year he bounced on and off drugs, then I became pregnant. He sobered up swearing off drugs forever...ha, ha. We got married had my son , then he became abusive. There wasn't a day that did not go by that I wasn't told what loser I was. He told me that if I left he would kill me. One day it was winter time, he blew all our money on drugs and I only had a small amount of money for kerosene and diapers... $12. He did not allow me to work. Apparently he could not find work. His niece (age 12) came over and the money on my dresser went missing. I confronted her looked in her pockets and she had the money. I went to confront her parents, thinking that they were going to discipline her. Instead, I was called a liar and they entire family jumped me... 6 of them. Then That was my fault too, I called my sister and told her what happened she had me come stay with her. I soon after came to the conclusion that I could not live with out God. SO I returned to Him. I never went back to The addict. Later I lost my house. But God again prevailed He gave me a new house a new husband (Godly husband), a new life. With all this I can't get over this part of my life. I can't forget how people have treated me. Spoken to me. Lied to me. They stole something from me. It's as though someone broke into my heart and stole parts of it. They took something that is irreplaceable with insurance. When I used to trust I was taught to run. When I used to love I was taught animosity. How do I gain this back?

Prayer

Father, Please show me How to gain back what was stolen from me. Return My joy, my Zest, my zeal to me again. In Jesus Name Amen

Funny How God works

I have all these problems then God allows me to stumble upon this link. Atleast I know he's listening. Thank You Lord For hearing me.

Taken 4 Granted: Evangelistic Promiscuity

My Faith

I seem to be questioning my faith. My belief in God.My life. Well let me rephrase that. I do believe in God, and I do believe in Jesus Christ. But everything just doesn't seem real to me anymore. I have questions like... Why do I believe? Why have I believed for so long? I know God exist, but does He really care for me. I believe that Jesus Christ is on the right hand of God, but who am I really to Him in heaven. Do I really have a chance to get to heaven? If my beliefs have been skewed, as I believe they have been from my childhood, then what is real and what is fake. What have I believed for so long that is not real? When I was a child my mother was involved in several religious churches that were cultish. I always knew they were as an adult, I kind of made fun of these places. Then my husband place the question upon me... What of that stuff have you carried, innocently, over to what you believe now? My answer I don't know. This simple question has really had me all bound up for months. I started thinking about it. What if everything I thought was right was really wrong, and God saw it differently. I don't believe in accidents I know that this question was a question is one that I should be asking GOD. This is a question I should be asking Jesus. I just can't seem to bring myself to HIM and ask him these questions. It's as though all of a sudden I am not sure of my place in His kingdom. I even find it difficult speaking His name. What if I had it all wrong this entire time? I am a devoted Christian... or so I thought. Basically this is it, My philosophy on the basic belief in Jesus in the world. Too many Churches, religions, and Christians, believe that when you believe in Jesus you will be automatically made... rich, well, healthy, etc. This is not what his word says at all. He does promise these things in heaven. Not to say that he doesn't give these things on earth. I know I have this right according to Gods word. But at the same time He says He will give of Joy, patience to endure until he comes again. Why am I so joyless all the time? this is not making sense anymore I think I need to think some more on the subject. Maybe gather enough nerve to approach Christ and ask for a reminder of why I gave my life to him. Why I began to follow Him in the first place. Was it because what he did for me supernatural things in this life? Or. Was it because he Died and rose again for my sins? What are sins? What did Jesus really do for me on that day? Did he really think of me then? If I went to Christ because of material things then I am worthless and unworthy of his love. May I never really understood the magnification of what he did at calvary. I have been taught even as a child to say and believe the calvary story. But I am not sure if I held in my heart. God has done many things for me... but none of these are as important as calvary...right?
Prayer
Father, I am very confused about where I fit in you r glory. I am confused about why you came here. If you could remind me and show me what it really means when you died on calvary. Thank You In Jesus Name Amen

Interesting Note

Yesterday, My 2 year old painted herself blue, like a smurf. She was as blue as this writing. She had painted her legs and her face and arms blue. This was quite amusing. Unfortunately, my husband took the camera to work to show pictures of the baby, and I could not take a picture.

A couple of days ago my teen wrote a letter to her dad. He hasn't contacted her in two years. Unfortunately he replied. I sort of wish that he would not have replied, he never keeps his promises. He never stays around. My poor daughter is consistently heart broken because of his ignorance, and lack of attention he gives her.

On top of this. Today my daughter told me multiple lies. First of all she has a website I disapprove of. I asked her several times if she had a website with this site so she could write a note to someone. Each time she stated that she did not. Then later I caught her on the site and she still would not give me information about it she continued to lie. I am unsure what to do about the lying.

Lord please help me help My teen. Please put it upon her heart to be truthful to me. Lord Bless this family. Please have her and her father grow together, unlike before . In Jesus name Amen

Despair

I sent this to a Prayer Group

I just had a baby and I am feeling quite blue. I can't
quit crying. My children need me. I do not feel very
motivated at all. My faith is faltering. Smiles
for me are just on the outside. I do not want the
Meds. I want God to heal me. My husband says I am going
through this for a reason, but I can't really see what
that could be. From my perspective, I am tired of suffering.
I am tired of fighting the demons of the past, present and
future. I have asked and begged God to make me better.
It only happens for small amounts of time. I want to
accomplish so much, really my heart desires to play with
my children,to be super mom and super wife. I think about it and even
dream about it, then at the end of every day i see i have just barely
held things together, and its no better than before. My heart really
desires to behappy, for peace to fall upon me.
Instead, I walk around upset and a
disfigurement upon my face. Or maybe I smile but not truly. How do I
change the way I think and feel towards everything, everybody, and
life in general? If i am not holding up to my expectations, certainly
i am not holding up  to anyone else's. I miss my mom, I wish I had
family who could come help with the the children. Even if just for a
moment. Everyone thinks that because I have a teen than I have all the
help I need. It's not true. Everything is a battle, all of my children
have regressed to immaturity since the birth of the baby. No one knows
how to do anything. It like they have all forgotten what I taught
them. I don't feel strong enough for this. I am not suppose to do
anything because of C-section. I will follow doctors instructions. I
have had too many times when I thought I knew best and hurt myself in
the end. My husband and I really haven't a support group. You know
friends or family to help. My husbands mom lives down the street, she
comes up all the time to help my husbands sister. I want her help too.
I have told her that I needed some help, she doesn't offer. My mother
told me one time I was just too helpless, so this makes me feel
ashamed to feel this way. In fact It must be the grace of God that I
am even able to tell all this stuff. Many years ago  I wouldn't have
said a word to a soul. None of our family came to see us in the
hospital when I had the baby, I feel very bitter about this. I am
sorry for dumping this on this group. I am really nervous about the
way I am feeling. The last time I started feeling like this eventually
it became very bad. Please pray for me, for God's provision on my
life. Please pray that God make me mentally capable for this life that
I have. Please pray for restoration. 

Nothing Really

Today is an eventful day. Well, not really. I got up, nursed the baby. Slept. Got up and nursed the baby again. I have been nursing almost the entire day. Now that my teen is finally awake at 1:30pm. I am having her babysit the children for a short while, so I can do some things.

To yesterdays Blog... I am willing to accept whatever God has in store for me. Even when I do not understand the full circle of things. I can be quite boastful at times. I ask God last night to reveal to me what He wants me to see, and to put happiness in my heart even in my achy hands. That hasn't happen yet, But I am at peace with the matter.

My sister and I spoke today. I have been avoiding her, because she did not come see me in the hospital when I had the baby. I suppose that was wrong. No one came and saw us except people from church. Well sort of, My husbands sister came, she was the only one that show interest in the baby. She brought flowers and fruit. My husbands parents came once but they never met the baby, just saw her through a window. We were was there for 4days, this really upset me. I wanted the baby and I to be important, even if it was for a moment.

Got to go, Babysitting did not work very well. They all started arguing. I got nothing done. I've had no time, no shower, and I am mentally exhausted. It is now time for bed... GOODNIGHT.

Dear Father, please give me patience for tomorrow. In Jesus name Amen.

God's Hands

I love God. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I want Christ to guide me on a day to day basis. I feel no shame in stating my faith to the world. Today I am upset with Him. For years I have been asking God to heal my hands. They hurt and are very achy. They swell and often times effect my daily life. Well today my husband comes home and tells me he has a word from Christ to me. He then warned me that I would not really like what he has to say. Then he quotes the scripture below.

2 Corinthians 12 NLT

Paul’s Vision and His Thorn in the Flesh

1 This boasting will do no good, but I must go on. I will reluctantly tell about visions and revelations from the Lord. 2 I^[a] was caught up to the third heaven fourteen years ago. Whether I was in my body or out of my body, I don’t know—only God knows. 3 Yes, only God knows whether I was in my body or outside my body. But I do know 4 that I was caught up^[b] to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words, things no human is allowed to tell.

5 That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. 6 If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, 7 even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The fact is this scripture really hit home. But i am unsure how I am boastful. I see God healing people. Why do I just not feel good enough to be healed by God's grace? My husband said I really have missed the point of the scripture. But have I really, doesn't this mean that God will not heal me and I should be happy about this. It seems that even as a child He has been preparing me for something. I am not even sure what that would be yet. But preparing me. I can't possible see how this is going to prepare me for something. I just want God to heal my hands. I am tired of suffering. I know and I believe Jesus Christ is the healer. It states here the when I am weak I am strong. How many more weaknesses do I need before I am given strength.

Lord, please forgive me for being upset with you. Please help me to see what I feel when I read this passage. Open the blinder of my heart mind and soul, to be as graceful and sincere as Paul. And Father please heal my hands, Please let know that this is not an end to a healing you will provide me. Or if it is help me accept it gracefully and receive help for my hands from a physician. In Jesus Name Amen

The Beginning

This is a beginning for me, a new adventure. In other words I have never blogged, I have never wanted to expose my deepest thoughts to the world. But here lately... I can't seem to consume them all. My husband was the one whom suggested an online diary or rather blogging. I have spent most of my life attempting to hide all of my hurts and pains, Hiding my past, my childhood. So much so that often times I am unsure who I really am. I have focused so much time and effort in what other say or think I should be or do. What an existence? Right? On this note, I believe that their are very few people that are not attempting the same fate. People are lost, sad, searching, faking happiness, and never true to themselves or God. These are the most important factors in a persons life. God. Themselves. Really, i mean before family, children, husbands, or wives. How does a person learn to love? How does a person let go of the past and hang on the future? They should look towards God Almighty first, right. Then look inside to their mistakes. This can be a dangerous game. If you look to far, to deep you can fall into desperation and self pity.